The Debutante

If the person I'm talking about reads this then I guess I would be lucky and unlucky at the same time.

You see, there's this friend of mine who invited me to her debut this Friday (October 30, 2009) but I'm hesitant to go. I've already decided this last July when our conversation led to her birthday. I feel guilty in a way. Let me explain:

I've known this person ever since my freshmen year at Xavier University Highschool and we were pretty close (at least for me). She was like my bestfriend in a way but it was really like, I don't know, I always had to impress her just so she'd like me! I mean, I know that I've had my faults and stuff and she told me that but still...

After years of being apart and finally rekindling the friendship last May we had yet another fight! Argh! We always do and it's exhausting! But we resolved our issues anyway in my birthday.

I'm going to stop beating around the bush and tell you why I'm not (not sure yet) going to her party: I don't feel good about myself when I'm with her or when I'm with our other friends. They have this image of me when I was still at high school and they're not moving on and I have! I mean, the decisions and things I did in the past doesn't make me who I am now or who I am in the future! I hate feeling like the hanger on whenever I'm with her. I feel like an accessory that was put on at the last minute.

Whenever we talk she's like "Oh?" I mean? Can she be at least try to give the idea that I actually changed or matured at least a shot? Can she give me the benefit of the doubt that I actually grew as a person? And by the way, can she respect me for who I am in the first place? All my life I felt useless, stupid, embarassed and all the shitty stuff and I don't need that from her! I don't need shit from other people! Thank you!

Nobody knows how I feel whenever I walk around the campus and then people look and whisper or wait for me to pass then talk bullshit about me, criticize me! Nobody knows how it feels to be judged on a daily basis! She doesn't know that! She never listens intently whenever I talk! Gimme a break woman!

And now she expects me to attend her party in a room full of people who don't know me and easily judge?! WTF! I don't wanna say this here because I don't want people knowing that I HATE MY LIFE! My existence is a curse! Fuck!