After The 2 Day Party

Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and ask "Am I happy?", which of course I know the answer to which is a big NO. I also reflect, contemplate and then cry when I'm alone at night before going to sleep or just listen to a sad song. I always feel down and I'm not happy. Maybe spending Christmas alone brought this? As you may not know. my parents aren't coming home for the holidays and my sister is living with our uncles family. Nobosy really invited me to join anyone for their holidays and I feel really sad. I saw some of my relatives at KetKai and I asked them if I could spend it with them and they said yes.

My first Christmas party with the DevCom Soc was fun but also sad in some way. I gave a cap to my Monito Chaz and recieved a wallet from my Monta Lara. I'm really gonna miss the seniors when they graduate especially Doi Flordeliz. Doi has been so nice to me and inspired me in terms of leadership. When he talks about being with the Soc for a few months I feel really sad. I hate it when people are leaving.

I feel like I want to cry. Fail.

Why me?

A few minutes ago, I was getting out of the cab in the midst of heavy rain when I skipped through puddles and suddenly, I heard teasing noises not far from me, in a sari-sari store or maybe even a drug ring. Who knows. I always get that noises. "Aaaay! Aaaay!" you know, when you're teasing someone about their sexuality. I get that plenty of times! Okay, since childhood! I've been always so afraid to walk in crowds because someone might tease me or just call my name just to tease me. One of the many reasons I don't go outside the neighborhood that much is because it is th melting pot of 'kanchaw' from every neighbour I have. I have put up with it since childhood. But sometimes I fight. I tell them off but that proved to be one of the biggest mistake I ever did because the teasing got more rampant and loud. It's very embarassing! Especially when there are other people who don't me. Ever since I was a child I have been insecure and I needed self assurance from others. People think I'm an extrovert, confident and friendly but I have very low self esteem, dependency, insecurity and all the mayjah stuff about growing up being afraid to be seen.

I always tell other people how lucky they are that they're not in my situation or position. I tell myself constantly not to care and think positive but I really can't help but care. What did I ever do in my existence to deserve such humiliation? Since childhood no less. If I wasn't affected then I wouldn't blog about it in the first place. Tomorrows another day of taunting and I prepare myself to ignore it. But deep down, my heart is scarred. Nothing can undo the damage. I never really said this out loud to anyone, ever, but I'm hurt. I'm really, really hurt. Sometimes suicide is the only option but when I think of the repercussions I will regret it! Of course!

I guess this is just my life. I've always been popular for the wrong reasons. Everbody talks behind my back, teases me, everything. When will all this stop? Don't even try to tell me that I'm only thinking this as a sign of blah, blah, blah! Because I know! I tried to be positive at all times when I finished watching The Secret but it never works for me. I'm such a sad, lonely person. I want to cry it out but I won't because if I do then those people teasing me might think I'm affected. Even though they won't really see. Well I guess they might read this post but I'm just fed up. I have no one to talk to. No one even reads my blog anyway.