I know you're probably sick and tired of reading about my rants about being a friendless loser and stuff but you've gotta hear me out! I just can't take away the frustration that I feel everyday especially after the series of unfortunate events that happened this day.
Thursday; June 25, 2009
9:00 AM: I thought my class would start at 8:30 am so I arrived at school as early as 7:40 am. There was this large queue going on outside our classroom as the doors weren't open yet. I was talking to some people but not really having a conversation. I was all alone while everybody was laughing and enjoying themselves. Its like they're doing it on purpose or something!
11:00 AM: There was literally nobody replying any of my messages as soon as my class got dismissed. I was like, frustrated! Damn! Who am I going to lunch with? So my friend keeps telling me to join other groups but I'm hesitant because they don't even smile at me.
Finally, my friend replied that she'd love to go to lunch with me but she was with a friend so apparently I had to deal with it. And I did. But before we could meet I had to wait at the canteen for her because she was in her class still. So I waited.
I have this classmate who is also my friend (but we're not close) who passed by me and he asked if I had seen his friends who are also my classmates. I said I haven't and offered him a seat. He refused. Rejection to the highest level! He said he was gonna look for them.
My other classmates passed by me and they all looked at me weirdly. They had this face that said "Is he alone? Again? What's new?". I was so embarassed! Argh!
My friend who was looking for his friends came back and told me that he didn't see them anywhere so he sat in the table with me. Another major rejection! Why? I mean, what am I? A last resort? I felt so hurt. I accompanied him to the counselling office anyway.
11:40 AM: I was already eating my lunch at McDonalds Ororama. I was really friendly toward my friends friend who had a gorgoeus Burberry bag sitting pretty in her lap. She was a rich girl who had to leave after we ate because she had a laser appointment for her underarms.
She was friendly towards me but there was something really "off" with her. I just felt that if we were friends we wouldn't like each other the next week after we met.
My friend and I headed back to school and while we were there we were talking and stuff and met other friends.
1:25 PM: Classes for RS15 resume. One of my fave subject but is very boring to death!
Fast forward to 4:00 PM: Classes were cut off for the Red Mass which I didn't attend because I didn't have anyone to go with. Remember my friend who was looking for someone whom I accompanied to the counsellors office (what a mouthful)? Well, I asked him if he was attending the mass and he said he won't. Fine.
I saw my friend whom I had lunch with and begged her to chaperonne me and she said she could but only after 4:50 pm because she had a friend who was waiting for her. I wasn't mad or anything but I didn't realize I had a time limit. How painful.
I saw my friend again, you know, the one who was looking for someone whom I accompanied to the counsellors office, he was with other guys and I asked him again if he was going and he said yes. Uhmm.. didn't he just say no? He changed his mind? Maybe. He blew me off because he had other plans? Probably. But if he did why would he lie? Or maybe he just changed his mind? I don't know. It's hard to know!
My friend whom I had lunch with met up with her other friends and I couldn't help but feel left out! Rejected and hurt! And then I remembered something she told me while we were talking last time. She had this guy she was talking with on the phone who told her she saw her with a guy.
She replied "Ah, si Joulo?"
Then he said "Ah, kato laging sige ug uban-uban sa inyo ni Natasha?"
Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!
Is that what I am? I'm just a "katong sige ug uban-uban"? He could've said "Ah, katong friend nimo nga sige gani mo ug uban"? I felt so hurt. All this time I'm just a hanger-on to my friends. Or at least thats what their friends think of me.
Can I just be Joulo the Friend? Why is it that when people talk about me they refer me to someone else or something else? I feel like I just can't be my own person anymore! Worse is that I can't be my own person and I don't have any friends! So what's left of me? A physical body and a life of what people make for me? Damn!
I can't even describe how I feel truly hurt. Why can't people just accept my flaws? Or deal with it? Why cant my friend whom I had lunch with, a person I had known for a long time still subconciously(or conciously) reject me and make feel like a small person whenever I'm with her?
I'm a person with a few friends. Not everybody likes me, the majority. Why cant my few friends make me feel assured, secured and happy? I don't know if I'm the problem or I just can't deal with the problems around me.
Friendless loser? Me. Nerd? Me. Geek and freaky? Me.
I'm not even exaggerating. I feel hurt, sad and lost. When will it be my time to be me and shine like the others? Or will there ever be?
I'm not asking for sympathy, just your understanding. Or not. Just keep reading my blog, that would be fine.
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