Run For Your Life!

Last one!

Expalanation

I really am trying to blog these past few weeks but nothing comes to my mind when I do. Mental blocks? Or am I just having too much fun with friends that I forget my SELF? Whatever it is, I want a DSLR now! (Laughs!)

**This picture is from my album on Facebook entitled "The Friday Goof Around".
**By the way, invite me on Facebook! Thanks.

Beyond the Urban Horizon

There's nothing like a trip to the mountains to make my day!

Seasonal

I was snooping around Facebook when I found a note about people coming in to your life who bring experiences and memories. Oh no, but wait! There are two kinds of those people which are people who come to stay permanently like, say, your best friend, and the other which are people who come SEASONALLY. You know, people like your classmates and stuff. People you meet on camps, retreats, etc. It kinda struck me on a painful fact that I learned before but eventually forgotten that not everyone in our life is there to stay. Do you know what I mean? They might not die but eventually they will leave not because they want to or have to but because it's how life is supposed to work. The thing that hurts me most is that the memories you shared with them. Gosh. Can you imagine?

When people say that memories are good, I can't agree. Even though how happy they are I can't seem to help but be sad about those memories. I'm really an emotional freak. Sometimes, I cry for no reason. I know right, weirdo! Sigh. But I have to accept it even though I really, really find it hard to lose people. Even people I don't really know, when they leave for abroad I get really sad or even people who are graduating and leaving the school. It hurts but I must survive.

Emo!

After The 2 Day Party

Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and ask "Am I happy?", which of course I know the answer to which is a big NO. I also reflect, contemplate and then cry when I'm alone at night before going to sleep or just listen to a sad song. I always feel down and I'm not happy. Maybe spending Christmas alone brought this? As you may not know. my parents aren't coming home for the holidays and my sister is living with our uncles family. Nobosy really invited me to join anyone for their holidays and I feel really sad. I saw some of my relatives at KetKai and I asked them if I could spend it with them and they said yes.

My first Christmas party with the DevCom Soc was fun but also sad in some way. I gave a cap to my Monito Chaz and recieved a wallet from my Monta Lara. I'm really gonna miss the seniors when they graduate especially Doi Flordeliz. Doi has been so nice to me and inspired me in terms of leadership. When he talks about being with the Soc for a few months I feel really sad. I hate it when people are leaving.

I feel like I want to cry. Fail.

Why me?

A few minutes ago, I was getting out of the cab in the midst of heavy rain when I skipped through puddles and suddenly, I heard teasing noises not far from me, in a sari-sari store or maybe even a drug ring. Who knows. I always get that noises. "Aaaay! Aaaay!" you know, when you're teasing someone about their sexuality. I get that plenty of times! Okay, since childhood! I've been always so afraid to walk in crowds because someone might tease me or just call my name just to tease me. One of the many reasons I don't go outside the neighborhood that much is because it is th melting pot of 'kanchaw' from every neighbour I have. I have put up with it since childhood. But sometimes I fight. I tell them off but that proved to be one of the biggest mistake I ever did because the teasing got more rampant and loud. It's very embarassing! Especially when there are other people who don't me. Ever since I was a child I have been insecure and I needed self assurance from others. People think I'm an extrovert, confident and friendly but I have very low self esteem, dependency, insecurity and all the mayjah stuff about growing up being afraid to be seen.

I always tell other people how lucky they are that they're not in my situation or position. I tell myself constantly not to care and think positive but I really can't help but care. What did I ever do in my existence to deserve such humiliation? Since childhood no less. If I wasn't affected then I wouldn't blog about it in the first place. Tomorrows another day of taunting and I prepare myself to ignore it. But deep down, my heart is scarred. Nothing can undo the damage. I never really said this out loud to anyone, ever, but I'm hurt. I'm really, really hurt. Sometimes suicide is the only option but when I think of the repercussions I will regret it! Of course!

I guess this is just my life. I've always been popular for the wrong reasons. Everbody talks behind my back, teases me, everything. When will all this stop? Don't even try to tell me that I'm only thinking this as a sign of blah, blah, blah! Because I know! I tried to be positive at all times when I finished watching The Secret but it never works for me. I'm such a sad, lonely person. I want to cry it out but I won't because if I do then those people teasing me might think I'm affected. Even though they won't really see. Well I guess they might read this post but I'm just fed up. I have no one to talk to. No one even reads my blog anyway.

The Antagonists Defense

People always say that I have high standards when the truth is I just want everything to be perfect! A life of perfection is hardwork and I can evaluate myself as not trying too hard to achieve perfection but still, I want everything to be perfect! Who doesn't want perfect?

In a way, most people would say, I am a perfectionist who has high standards and all of that antagonist stuff! Okay, I admit that I am an antagonist. For everyone! The perfect example would be my sister. For her, for everyone, I am an antagonist in her life. I AM NOT.

I am being an older brother who cares for his sister and has her good intentions but people don't see that! People see that I am a control freak and the mean one.

I am not really speaking to my sister right now ( I don't know if she noticed) because I, as cruel for me to say this, hate her for now. Let me explain.

All her life I have been there for her. I am not just her brother, in a way I am her parent. I took care of her ever since we were young as my parents were not here most of our lives working abroad. Woah! Wait a minute! Hold that thought! I don't hate my parents for not being with us because I truly understand their sacrifice! Back to my prodigal sister, I may not have always been the older brother because sometimes I'm more immature but heck I have been THERE every step of the way! And what has she given me in return? NOTHING!

I love my sister unconditionally but she really is hard headed and, ahem, has poor taste. I have taught her everything, her studies, life and, ummm... life! Whenever she needed help, I would be there trying my best. When I was the one in need, she would just not care! Okay she would but she wouldn't try to help. It's always been about her!

I can enumerate everything she has done, the decisions she made, everything! But I don't wash my dirty linen in public! I may be doing it now but it's just the minor stains. Bleh! The reason why I'm not talking to her is that she has a boyfriend who is just... wrong! I mean, he's ugly, he dresses like a porter, he's from CU (I'm not judging the school), he has no CLASS! And that's just not my opinion! How dare she embarass me like this? How dare she embarass me my whole life! SHE is an embarassment to our family! Gosh! It's like a Monaco Monarchy feud in here! I'm Caroline, she's Stephanie!

We had an encounter this night when we caught the same jeepney. I was with friends and she was with her *BLEEP* boyfriend! I said one word that was insulting and I'm not sorry for it! The guy was shocked that I said it, probably even mad! My sister was mad that's for sure! And who cares?

Gosh! How people in your life who you expect to be at least not embarass you do the exact opposite! Even more!