After The 2 Day Party

Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and ask "Am I happy?", which of course I know the answer to which is a big NO. I also reflect, contemplate and then cry when I'm alone at night before going to sleep or just listen to a sad song. I always feel down and I'm not happy. Maybe spending Christmas alone brought this? As you may not know. my parents aren't coming home for the holidays and my sister is living with our uncles family. Nobosy really invited me to join anyone for their holidays and I feel really sad. I saw some of my relatives at KetKai and I asked them if I could spend it with them and they said yes.

My first Christmas party with the DevCom Soc was fun but also sad in some way. I gave a cap to my Monito Chaz and recieved a wallet from my Monta Lara. I'm really gonna miss the seniors when they graduate especially Doi Flordeliz. Doi has been so nice to me and inspired me in terms of leadership. When he talks about being with the Soc for a few months I feel really sad. I hate it when people are leaving.

I feel like I want to cry. Fail.

Why me?

A few minutes ago, I was getting out of the cab in the midst of heavy rain when I skipped through puddles and suddenly, I heard teasing noises not far from me, in a sari-sari store or maybe even a drug ring. Who knows. I always get that noises. "Aaaay! Aaaay!" you know, when you're teasing someone about their sexuality. I get that plenty of times! Okay, since childhood! I've been always so afraid to walk in crowds because someone might tease me or just call my name just to tease me. One of the many reasons I don't go outside the neighborhood that much is because it is th melting pot of 'kanchaw' from every neighbour I have. I have put up with it since childhood. But sometimes I fight. I tell them off but that proved to be one of the biggest mistake I ever did because the teasing got more rampant and loud. It's very embarassing! Especially when there are other people who don't me. Ever since I was a child I have been insecure and I needed self assurance from others. People think I'm an extrovert, confident and friendly but I have very low self esteem, dependency, insecurity and all the mayjah stuff about growing up being afraid to be seen.

I always tell other people how lucky they are that they're not in my situation or position. I tell myself constantly not to care and think positive but I really can't help but care. What did I ever do in my existence to deserve such humiliation? Since childhood no less. If I wasn't affected then I wouldn't blog about it in the first place. Tomorrows another day of taunting and I prepare myself to ignore it. But deep down, my heart is scarred. Nothing can undo the damage. I never really said this out loud to anyone, ever, but I'm hurt. I'm really, really hurt. Sometimes suicide is the only option but when I think of the repercussions I will regret it! Of course!

I guess this is just my life. I've always been popular for the wrong reasons. Everbody talks behind my back, teases me, everything. When will all this stop? Don't even try to tell me that I'm only thinking this as a sign of blah, blah, blah! Because I know! I tried to be positive at all times when I finished watching The Secret but it never works for me. I'm such a sad, lonely person. I want to cry it out but I won't because if I do then those people teasing me might think I'm affected. Even though they won't really see. Well I guess they might read this post but I'm just fed up. I have no one to talk to. No one even reads my blog anyway.

The Antagonists Defense

People always say that I have high standards when the truth is I just want everything to be perfect! A life of perfection is hardwork and I can evaluate myself as not trying too hard to achieve perfection but still, I want everything to be perfect! Who doesn't want perfect?

In a way, most people would say, I am a perfectionist who has high standards and all of that antagonist stuff! Okay, I admit that I am an antagonist. For everyone! The perfect example would be my sister. For her, for everyone, I am an antagonist in her life. I AM NOT.

I am being an older brother who cares for his sister and has her good intentions but people don't see that! People see that I am a control freak and the mean one.

I am not really speaking to my sister right now ( I don't know if she noticed) because I, as cruel for me to say this, hate her for now. Let me explain.

All her life I have been there for her. I am not just her brother, in a way I am her parent. I took care of her ever since we were young as my parents were not here most of our lives working abroad. Woah! Wait a minute! Hold that thought! I don't hate my parents for not being with us because I truly understand their sacrifice! Back to my prodigal sister, I may not have always been the older brother because sometimes I'm more immature but heck I have been THERE every step of the way! And what has she given me in return? NOTHING!

I love my sister unconditionally but she really is hard headed and, ahem, has poor taste. I have taught her everything, her studies, life and, ummm... life! Whenever she needed help, I would be there trying my best. When I was the one in need, she would just not care! Okay she would but she wouldn't try to help. It's always been about her!

I can enumerate everything she has done, the decisions she made, everything! But I don't wash my dirty linen in public! I may be doing it now but it's just the minor stains. Bleh! The reason why I'm not talking to her is that she has a boyfriend who is just... wrong! I mean, he's ugly, he dresses like a porter, he's from CU (I'm not judging the school), he has no CLASS! And that's just not my opinion! How dare she embarass me like this? How dare she embarass me my whole life! SHE is an embarassment to our family! Gosh! It's like a Monaco Monarchy feud in here! I'm Caroline, she's Stephanie!

We had an encounter this night when we caught the same jeepney. I was with friends and she was with her *BLEEP* boyfriend! I said one word that was insulting and I'm not sorry for it! The guy was shocked that I said it, probably even mad! My sister was mad that's for sure! And who cares?

Gosh! How people in your life who you expect to be at least not embarass you do the exact opposite! Even more!

The Battlefield

Shouting. Pushing. Sweating. Anger.

That's not even the fwords that can describe the crazy chaos of the enrollment at XU! It was crazy! I would know because I joined the queue! it was like lining up to see Michael Jacksons corpse on the flesh! A decomposing flesh, that is. You had to be there to really experience how the system sucked!

Thank God for giving me 'determination' that time! I mean, if I wasn't a patient person I would've enrolled this Friday. But no. I decided that being late isn't fashionable! Even though I was near death (you know what I mean!) I still pushed my limits to get to my end point: being an XU student again! Woo-hoo!

But before I became an official Atenean I had to swim through a sea of other determined enrollees, suffer from the heat of the sun and battling(patiently) the annoying volunteers! But it was a war that ended well. Whew!

I watch my friends and other people who rush on the grounds of the battlefield and I chuckle a little. Been there, my friend, done that! Then there are those who relax on concrete benches thinking that tomorrow there'll be less people to fight with. Lazy asses! Get up and work!

Then there's my annoying sister who is lazy herself, won't go through the enrollment process yet as she has to wait for her friends to finish their scholarship stuff! I keep telling her to just go on with it but she won't hear a word! Girls and their commitment to each other!

Next school year, I am hoping for a better system. Cheers!

Pout for me Joule! Thats right!

One more time.

Images from the Hill

Call me vain all you want but I'm not! People, please! I'm not!

Pics of my sis and me on our tent at Greenhills.

Shorod Tsunoda and Kisha Bustamante Manla. Our friends who met us up.



Belated All Souls!

Prisoner of My Own Sanctuary

My sembreak out of town (and country) turned out to be the exact opposite--I was on house lockdown for days and the worst part is that my sister decided to spend her vacation with me! Just kidding! In fact, it kind of saved me from total boredom and spending the little amount of money left with me!

While my sister watched Gossip Girl religiously, I surfed the internet which is a very semestral brek thing to do because I should've been enjoying my life outside the comforts of my home! God must be punishing me! And what about my addiction to McDonalds? Damn! I'm really not getting over the burger and coke float combo! I really, really love it!

Anyway, I spent a sleepless night with my sis, relatives and a new friend, Shorod Tsunoda, at Greenhills Memorial Park for, uhmmm, duh? All Souls Day! I really enjoyed it because I met a new friend who was really easy to be with and ate Lechon! Woo-hoo! My aunt makes the meanes meanest Tapioca! Yum!

When the morning came, I went home, checked my Facebook account then hit the snooze button! Which is what I'm gonna do now.

The Debutante

If the person I'm talking about reads this then I guess I would be lucky and unlucky at the same time.

You see, there's this friend of mine who invited me to her debut this Friday (October 30, 2009) but I'm hesitant to go. I've already decided this last July when our conversation led to her birthday. I feel guilty in a way. Let me explain:

I've known this person ever since my freshmen year at Xavier University Highschool and we were pretty close (at least for me). She was like my bestfriend in a way but it was really like, I don't know, I always had to impress her just so she'd like me! I mean, I know that I've had my faults and stuff and she told me that but still...

After years of being apart and finally rekindling the friendship last May we had yet another fight! Argh! We always do and it's exhausting! But we resolved our issues anyway in my birthday.

I'm going to stop beating around the bush and tell you why I'm not (not sure yet) going to her party: I don't feel good about myself when I'm with her or when I'm with our other friends. They have this image of me when I was still at high school and they're not moving on and I have! I mean, the decisions and things I did in the past doesn't make me who I am now or who I am in the future! I hate feeling like the hanger on whenever I'm with her. I feel like an accessory that was put on at the last minute.

Whenever we talk she's like "Oh?" I mean? Can she be at least try to give the idea that I actually changed or matured at least a shot? Can she give me the benefit of the doubt that I actually grew as a person? And by the way, can she respect me for who I am in the first place? All my life I felt useless, stupid, embarassed and all the shitty stuff and I don't need that from her! I don't need shit from other people! Thank you!

Nobody knows how I feel whenever I walk around the campus and then people look and whisper or wait for me to pass then talk bullshit about me, criticize me! Nobody knows how it feels to be judged on a daily basis! She doesn't know that! She never listens intently whenever I talk! Gimme a break woman!

And now she expects me to attend her party in a room full of people who don't know me and easily judge?! WTF! I don't wanna say this here because I don't want people knowing that I HATE MY LIFE! My existence is a curse! Fuck!

Swak Talaga!

I'm so obssesed with these donuts right now!

Short Recap

Officially, the semester has ended!

Don't worry! I'm not gonna use that word that much in this post because when I checked my blog I noticed that I did! Well, everything went not so well! I mean, I might re-take some subjects and uhmm... I don't know! Get shipped off back to Malaysia perhaps?

The thing is, I really tried passing my subjects seriou--- oh alright! I didn't! But this next term I am trying to aim high! Like really! Or not. I'm not so sure myself.

The semester certainly ended with a bang through Renelyn Lastimosa's party! It as super fun and everybody would agree with me! I really am going to miss my block!

First Semester 2009!

The semester hasn't really ended yet but the classes have. This isn't the end though, this is only the beginning. Ugh! I hate that qoute! You nkow, this is only the beginning! It's so pompous and insensitive! Of course things end and new things begin but we can't really say that-- oh whatever! Fine! Let the qoute be!

The thing is, I am really sadenned by this "ending"! Okay, haven't I always been? Well...

The classes ended officially yesterday and I am surely going to miss my blockmates and teachers! It's like in a way, we were already a family and suddenly we're going to be separated! I know that we're still going to see each other in school but its still not the same. You know what I'm sayin'? It's just that... God! Please let me get over this!

Like a Painful Stab in the Heart

I always never liked goodbyes. Okay, who loves it? No one. I'm really an emotional person and that's one thing I hate about me and wish that would go away but unfortunately won't.

It's kind of embarassing to say this but I am sadenned of the semester coming to a close. All the people, the places, the people who'll graduate, everything! I will miss them terribly! I know that next semester is just a week or two away and there's a new beginning but a lot of things has ended or will end this semeseter. Like classmates I haven't befriended yet, teachers I will miss sorely and some classmates going away. Particularly my friend who's shipping off to America(or Canada or Australia) next year. I'm going to miss that friend of mine.

My P.E. class was one of stress relievers and now it has ended. My P.E. groupmates that I really like might not be my groupmates anymore next semester. It just hurts my heart that things just have to end! Argh! Did I mention my Chemistry Lab and NSTP class? Damn! I miss them already!

Here's the thing, even though I hate some of my classmates, I'm still gonna miss them. I hate this feeling! It's so fuckin' emo! Gimme a cure, pronto!

I will always remember what my Biology teacher in highschool said and I qoute "There is nothing constant in this world but change." Bang!

Twi-Hard Fana

Are there any more things to say? I mean, come on. Enjoy!

Mwah!

Miranda Kerr(left)

My latest obsession.

Urge of Writing (Nonsense)

I don't know if its stupidity or laziness or both when I'm supposed to be doing my talumpati (that's speech) for tommorow and memorize it because that would be my semi final grade but instead, I'm here writing this post in the dark. And oh, did I mention that I have an exam for Biology which I haven't studied yet and a quiz on Math tommorow too? Nope. Okay.

All of a sudden, I have this urge to write again! I was reading my old posts and realized how boring they were! Well, not really the posts but my blog itself! I mean, I always keep talking about myself! I know that you get tired but it is my blog anyway, right? It's just that if I write on purpose I don't get any ideas! What a lame ass bitch mental blocks are! Like the talumpati, I haven't composed one yet because I find it hard to express myself using Tagalog! I have millions of topics already but none of them just work! Good luck to me for tommorow!

It's weird but this week is kind of relaxed even though the pressure should be getting to me now since the finals are coming and my grades are lower than Lindsay Lohans reputation. Why don't I feel the pressure is beyond me! I can't eve answer that question myself!

I have to get something to eat! I'm so fuckin' hungry! Ciao!

First Bomb

Like a typical teen drama, things don't always go smoothly. Teens, you know, are crazy! Life is crazy and the crazy is just about to start.

In a way. I kind of like what is happening even though people are getting mad and very hurt. It's like, a soap opera, or like I said, a teen drama, DevCom edition. Ladies and Gentlemen, the first DevCom Scandal Batch 2009:

Biology, the bitchy subject no one interested needs to learn but has to, requires multiple brains to help one student figure the thing out and pass the useless subject for the semester, we call it a group study.

The planning has begun and everybody wants to go. Some people jump in the bandwagon, some just miss the chance.

About forty minutes of waiting beside Park Cafe, the students one by one came. Attendance, check. A multicab ride, 7 pesos. Snacks, about seventy pesos. The experience and things that were about to happen after the group study, priceless.

Like any typical group study, it started with chatting then moved on to a horror movie. Nobody really knew what Alleles stood for but everyone knew that the movie 1408 sucked. John Cusack was impressive though.

The group studied eventually, then the fun began. Typically, people would love to spill gossip about anyone when a group of people come together and that was what exactly happened. I'm not saying I'm a saint 'coz I did share things about a friend (nothing harmless, just things that were unimportant and obvious) but all that time I kept my mouth shut. I didn't want to say bad things about other people because I know for a fact that people do that to me.

After the backbiting, gossip and potential rumors, everyone promised that what was said would be left there. It takes many chains to form a bracelet but onje of those chains will eventually break out. And so did that chain.

After a week (I'm not so sure), the secrets from the group study started spreading. Everyone owed everyone an explanation, though some people didn't. There was a major catfight and buckets of drama. By buckets I mean tears.

There was one question though, who started the whole mess?

Everone knew that the person who cried a river of tears didn't exactly keep the promise because she told her other friends but the sympathy's on her. Even I became one of her 'rock' even though she betrayed me.

In a weird scenario, I know who told who which started the whole mess and like all other mystery cases, it's always the unexpected one.

The secrets out. Which side are you on? The traitor who gets the sympathy because of all the problems she's dealing with (I doubt people really sympathize her though) or the many vulnerable people who trusted the traitor? Your pick.

I Have A Magazine Issue

It's been months of Harper's Bazaar-less I have been and I feel pretty left out! You see, my love for fashion before wasn't the same as the love I have for it now. Before, it was like, Oh, I love fashion because it's important to look presentable! But now its, I supper-duper love fashion to the highest level!

It wasn't really like this before I lived in Malaysia. Out of boredom I picked up OK! magazine because it had celebrities on it and I thought I might get entertained. Surprisingly, they covered the hottest fashion from all the fashion capitals in the world with all the designers brands and designer names and stuff. They had this section of the latest trends and criticizing what celebrities wear. I took interest of it and bought my first Malaysian edition Marie Claire.

It was crazy!

I learned so many things that I thought were irrelevant and stupid and I realized that fashion is a big and one of the most important industry in the economy! I loved it to death!

Then I moved on to Harper's Bazaar which is my ultimate favorite considering I have every issue they published since my migration to Malaysia (truly Asia-aaaa!). Of course, I bought Vogue and Elle every now and then and my favorite men's lifestyle mag, NewMan.

Magazines make me crazy! I always wanted to work for one and have a great lifestyle! I hope that'll come true!

Ever since coming back here in the Philippines, life has been magazine-less since I don't like any magazines here because of their layouts and dull spreads. Not to mention lack of high profile designer brands! Everything is pretentious! Ugh!

I hope the Philippines has a version of Harper's Bazaar 'coz I miss it sorely!

Through Gritted Teeth

I would never do that to you, Jacob promising to Bella.

Have you seen the New Moon trailer yet? Well, I'm sure you have. Did you like it? Me? NOPE!

I mean, we've practically seen the whole film with that trailer because it was so revealing and long. Where were the other Cullens? Alice Cullen is gving them a run for their money with all those exposures!

I'm getting bored. I'd rather watch Afterschool than Twilight! But that doesn't mean I wouldn't watch Twilight.

Am I making any sense?

Oh, Dear Harry. Where Have You Gone?

While I was showering, I realized that as a huge (like very, very huge!) Harry Potter fan, I still haven't got the chance to see the latest movie! It's quite shocking even for me because I watched those kids grow up, I know they're full names, likes and dislikes, birthdays and I collect posters and memorabilias and have all the books! Could it be that Harrys magic is waning on me? I mean, when I watched the trailers months ago, I couldn't help but feel bored. I mean, this was Harry Potter! My obsession! What the eff happened?

I want to get the DVD but I just can't spend a lot of money on one so I'll just wait for someone who has it and borrow. Or maybe I could just buy a pirated one, no?

I don't know, maybe after I've watched the Half Blood Prince my obsession will come back. Or not. Who knows.

Rush by Tyra B.

I heard this song last year and I guess it didn't really make it to the charts or something since nobody's heard of it. But listen to it and you'll love the song. It's a remake of Michael Jackson and Paula Abdul's song by Tyra B. Nope! Not Tyra Banks but Tyra B. Enjoy!

rush tyra b mp3 lyrics

free music downloads music videos pictures

Attack From Behind

I had some friends over at my home for a group study that didn't end up being a group study but turned out to be a barkada night instead. We watched a movie and talked nonstop about our experiences and about people we love to hate. Of course, we talked about who back bites who. We were talking about other people but something was clear, a lot of people hated me. I didn't bother to ask why because it'd end up like an open forum and I didn't want to cry. LOL.

The next day at school, I was hanging out with my friend and asked him what people say about me. I wasn't really surprised but I was still hurt about people being so two faced! They pretend to be my friends, joke around, share stories and a lot of things that friends usually do but then, behind my back, they say awful things and I become the center of every joke. Which, for the record, I know I already am, thank you very much! They listen to me and wait for things that I say and then when I'm gone, they'll use it against me as a laughing matter. They do that, I don't know, because they hate me? To make them feel better about theirselves? Or are they just too intrested in taking me down, making me look like a fool to everyone else than getting to know me better? Probably.

Then there's this gay guy who keeps asking me about my sexuality and making comments about me for everything! I'm dull for having F on Bio Lab, how my shoulders are not proportional, etc. What the fuck is his problem? I mean, I totally know why he's doing this, he hates me for looking at him so lowly. Or whatever! The thing is, everyone is on my side anyway so it doesn't matter.

It's kind of stressful and scary to socialize when you're afraid after that you do, they make you a piece of laughing stock. I just hope that those people get theirs.

Meow!

Lady Gaga for Hello Kittys 30th Anniersary

Ain't Lady Gaga fierce? She has the talent, the fashion sense, the guts, everything! I so love her!

Of Apologies and Rantings

It has been a while since I've posted a new post and I'm sorry. I know I promised to keep you posted but I get writers block all the time. I have all these stories to tell, realizations to write but whenever I start to type, they all just go away. What am I going to write about is always a struggle. Like seriously you guys.

The semester is coming to an end soon and its quite sad that I'm still not friends with most of my blockmates and don't have a close one. My two close ones have abandoned me. One is seriously commited to his girlfriend and the other one is always MIA going to AF.

I on the other hand is a few steps closer to getting an F in all subjects. I'm not good at school, to be honest. I don't really know what I'm good at but I think I'm more of "not-a-school-type", whatever that means. I really need to get determined to keep up with the others or I'll fail! Damn! My parents are gonna be dissapointed! I'm a few steps to a knife and stab myself!

Gosh! I hate my life.

Highschool Ends, Eventually

Listening to Say You'll Never Go by Erik Santos would be deemed corny, cheap and very jologs but I remembered that song and suddenly had the urge to listen to it and I did. While the song was playing I was looking at old pictures from my Friendster account and felt very sad. I don't know if it was the song or the pictures or maybe both but it made me smile in a hurt kind of way. I really hate memories, no matter how happy they are, because it always makes me sad but the good side there is it makes me realize about important things like friendships.

Right now, as I write this, it's as if the memories are flashing in my head. I want them to stop because I can't feel depressed right now. I really miss everything! My friends, my old schools, the places I hung out, etc. They were memories. Even though I really hate that word, memories, I have to use it.

I know that I've made mistakes with my friends and that I'm not the most well liked person on Earth but the thing is, I miss them! Badly! I can't say sorry enough for 'you' to forgive me but I really am remoseful for everything that I did. If I could just turn back time then I would and make things right I would.

For the sake of looking at old pictures, I looked at the new ones and I felt something. I really hated the feeling but when I was looking at new pictures taken since June up to now, I felt that pang of pain in my heart because they already felt like a memory. Time really passes by doesn't it?

Some people in the pictures were people I don't really care about or bother greeting even though I see them in a daily basis but that made me realize that I should cherish them even if we're not close or anything because those people are part of my past, present and future.

Its sad isn't it? How people come in your life then just go away. We miss them of course, but sometimes you just have to give them up. You were happy but it had to end.

I am currently listening to Prom Theme by Fountains of Wayne and the song is a killing bitch! I suggest you to listen to this song (or Erik Santos') while reading this post or looking at pictures and you will definitely hit that emo button.

We'll see each other again. I know it. And maybe next time every hurt in the past would just go away and we'll remember the happy ones.

Academically Downhill

I won't deny that I'm an irresponsible student because not only that I am, I think I would actually get an A+ for it. The truth is, I'm not really good at this whole education system! I hate studying and listening to boring topics especially those where I have no idea what the relevance is to my course! Yes, Biology and Chemistry! I'm talking about you!

F! F! F! Those were my grades this Midterm. I know, it's like, uhmm... I don't know really know how to explain myself and I won't go there! Or not! Like I said, I hate studying and listening! But that expected F was actually embarassing and degrading! I didn't know that I would feel sad, defeated, belittled by that F mark! Gosh! What the F!

It was true, what they said about college. It's not the same as highschool. Eventually we all have to grow up and take responsibility for our future. The thing is, its not just your future you're ruining but everybody elses. Like your parents' money, they didn't pick them from trees or the streets but worked their asses off for it.

I calculated how many years I would be in college and I decided with 10 years minimum as I would proceed to Law after Developmental Communication. That's 10 years! I have these dreams that I pretty much want to come true and I have to do those before or after 30 at least!

So what am I still doing writing this blog? There's no class tommorow! Study I will, tommorow!

P.S. Do nuts really help?

Bits and Bytes

It has been awhile since I posted something and to tell you the truth, the stories that I'm going to share need some hard recalling. Well, you know me, I often lose friendships and gain new ones and sometimes, take back those lost friendships.

My JANBRCL group and I are at peace already and I couldn't feel more relieved. They invited me to Loreto's twice but I refused because I had other plans. Gosh! They were my friends since highschool and I really miss them! A lot! I'm sure you know what I mean when you miss people you've never seen for a long time because you've had differences and (not necessarily) hate each other. And now, everything's okay! I really hope that this time, it would work out because I really do cherish them.

My batchmates from MaryMount Academy are such pranksters and you would just enjoy their company. I love those guys!

Of course, being me, things are uncertain in my friendships. There is this one friend of mine whom I don't hang out that much anymore when we were supposed to be close. Maybe he was just fed up with me because sometimes I can be bossy or whatever! But the thing is, he can't just blow me off! We're hanging out then suddenly we don't! My other friend who was always part of the group and I nkow has my back is still there! She has been the sweetest person as of late and I really appreciate her.

Anyway, it comes as no surprise that I failed every subject I'm taking. Like literally. Well, this is definitely a wake up call! I really have to study and be serious and not slack off and be lazy! I mean, this is my future we're talking about here! Sorry, I got carried away a little bit.

Did you also know that I'm completely broke? How am I gonna survive with 200 pesos 'till Tuesday? Damn!

I promise you one thing dear readers, I'm gonna blog weekly! Yay! No one wants to visit an outdated blog right?

Lack of Imagination

If you think I posted this pic because I like myself in it, think again! Ugh!

I hate my face! Sometimes.

I'm A Self Confessed Geek Who's A Nerd-A-Holic

I'm literally obsessed with this candy! I have been(obsessed) years ago when I accidentally saw them at Cham's counter and haven't stopped hurting my pocket ever since! Damn you Wonka!

Immaturity of the Red Nosed Reindeer

Crazy things happen to me! I'm just destined to have a crazy uncontrollable life!

Last Wednesday while logging on to Facebook, I decided to finall try buying some of my friends through the application Friends For Sale or FFS. I bought a lot of inexpensive people because I couldn't really afford some of my friends as they've been playing FFS for quite sometime now and their prices went up.

I chanced on buying an old friend who is a girl because she was very, uhmm... cheap! Both literal and figurative! I'm sorry! After buying her, she was stolen from an old schoolmate of mine whom I didn't know at that time was dating my girl friend(thats two words!). So I bought her back and he bought her back again until we were competing! He kept saying bad comments about me but I thought they were like jokes so I didn't mind them. I thought we were having fun! I logged out of Facebook and when I logged back in this afternoon I was surprised to recieve a message from the girl.

She kept thanking me and saying how much she appreciated that I bought her and then told me to stay out of sight of the guy because he was gonna kill me if he sees me. She even told me not to reply and delete the message immedeately! Crazeballs!

I replied of course but deleted the message! What was the big deal? The guy is a joke! Who takes FFS seriously? C'mon! Answer me! Who does? You've gotta be kidding me! The guy even posted on my wall a very harsh message! He didn't really say who it was but it was obvious he was talking about me! He posted it last night which means he didn't get over on how mad he was at me last Wednesday! So that means this guy really takes his investments in FFS seriously! It doesn't matter if you're in a relationship or not! You should go to a dating site instead! How immature!

Truth be told, I'm a little scared when I meet him! It's not really about getting another black eye but of the embarassment! What if people see us? Damn! The worst thing of all is that I see him everyday! If he punches me then I'll punch him back! Isn't that the rule? But if he threatens him then I'll just leave him alone! I'm not asking for a fight or a boxing match because I don't have the strength to punch someone! I have a very bony fist and that means it's soft! God help me! I was really panicking about the message from the girl asking me to lay low and stuff! The guy is pretty mamirahay type of guy.

To the guy: Grow up! I know why you didn't include your last name at Facebook because its pretty funny and I know what it is!

To the girl: Hello? You can't even defend me? You bitch! You should thank me for not erasing you in my account! Thank God you were the one who invited me!

P.S. You know the christmas song? That's his name! Red Nosed Reindeer! Go figure!

The Funeral

Ate Karen crying while giving a heartfelt speech.

The whole family. A picture of moving on.

Burying the coffin.

Does Free Will Exist?

Are our lives decided by God or do we live it OUR way?

My RS-15 class discussed this very interesting topic because of a report that led to this. Don't make me write it here 'coz I don't remember but it was really a classmate of mine who shared to the class his thoughts that our lives are decided by God since we were born and that we only have 20% free will.

I thought it was preposterous! Unacceptable! I mean, no offense to God but even if he gave us our lives I still think that we should live it the way we want to and that thing called destiny is a myth! Romantic movies are so misleading! There's no such thing as the person for me or the one. Wake up people! Especially to the ladies! How many marriages actually end up in divorce? It's not about finding your soulmate but working on a relationship! I haven't been on one but from what I've heard you really work hard for it.

I can already hear the rants of people who believe in destiny!

Okay, you're going to say that most Filipino marriages don't end up in annulment but do the wives smell the whore? The husbands are reeking of it! Most of my friends' fathers have a mistress and some have couple trouble. As I always say, the whole cheating thing is so uso it's next to teenage pregnancy andunwanted pregnancy.

Back to the point. My classmate said that he was destined to be in Xavier University because God had planned it for him and that if a person dies at, lest's say 21 years old, it's his destiny. I asked my teacher what if I commited suicide at the age of 21, did God plan for me to do that? This matter really causes debate so I'm gonna stop as I've shared my opinions already. How about you? What do you think?

Flowers for the Sartorialist

My Familys Condolences to my Uncle

The Last Thread of the Sartorialist

The day that everyone knew was coming and prepared for, my uncle passing away.


And he did, finally.

I was watching DVD's when my sister texted me that my Uncle passed away just minutes before she sent me the message. I wasn't shocked and sad. Everyone had expected it and wanted him to rest already, really, we didn't want him to suffer the disease any longer.


I ate dinner then got dressed and rushed to the hospital. Though I was expecting people breaking down on the floor and all that teleserye exaggerations, I was greeted with "moved on" faces. Though I suspect there's going to be a lot of crying during the burial.


I saw him on his deathbed and it felt a little weird being so close to a dead person as I haven't been before, but it was my uncle so it didn't really horrify me that much. He was then transferred to Greenhills memorial park and then it felt official, he was gone.


Seeing him in the coffin gave me jitters but it was saddening, especially for his wife, my aunt, who is now a widow and will forever miss her husband. Its painful, the death of a loved one, but people come and go and then we move on. Not from the pain and memories but moving on through a challenge in life, the dark side of it.


Uncle Undoy, you have always been so good to me and my siblings and of course to your sister, my mother, and to her husband, my father, you will be missed. Badly. Thank you for your humor and hospitality and I'm sure everyone is gonna say great things about you not just because your gone but you really were when you were still with us and we're sorry if in any way we ever hurt you.


Goodbye.


P.S. Say Hi to God for me, please?

Fatty

I love photo blogging! The pictures just say it all! But you're probably gonna be sick of a blog full of pictures (or not) so I'm still going to 'put into words' when I'm posting.

By the way, I just thought about posting this picture of my favorite lunch at school. It's fried pork chop with gravy and rice. I love it!

Happiness on a cup

How do you like your ice cream? Me? Soft and sprinkled with candies!

Unfortunately when I was throwing it there were little melted amounts of ice cream left and it spilled on my pants and shoes! Argh!

It was a very stressful but fun Saturday.

It never stops, does it?

I don't want to be specific because I haven't even shared it with my friends but typical me, here I go again.

This afternoon I was hurt, really hurt. It's hard to explain how and why but if you've read my blog (like every post) you'll have an idea what it is.

P.S. The reason I never told anyone is because they're sick of my problems and I'm not waiting for them to get sick of me.

I love me some "education"

My sister told me that some EDA students read my blog and I really feel surprised because I thought only my friends read it.

Welcome to my world new friends.

Thank you!

The Wost Week Ever

Recently, it's all've been about tragedies, misfortunes and deaths. My week was a never ending embarassment and I'm afraid its still coming. As you all know last Monday (July 27) was my birthday and nothing really happened that much which counts as a bad day in this very, very bad week.

Now that I'm blogging about it, it's a relief (sort of) that I can't remember some of the worse things that happened to me these past seven days. But let me think... aha! Got it!

Bad thing that happened contestant number 1:

July 27- my birthday and I didn't really do anything except complain how my day was and feeling shitty about it. I expected an adventure and what did I get? Read the post before this.

Bad thing that happened contestant number 2:

July 28- I woke up early around 6am for a 9:40am P.E. class. I took my time because I love listening to music and I wanted to dance. I did my usual routine before leaving the house, got on a jeepney and patiently waited to get to school, WHEN(!!!!), I was reaching for my fare when I realized that I was reaching for nothing because I forgot to bring my wallet! I haven't got a single cent in me and I was panicking inside my head. Trembling, body hairs raising up, goosebumps, stomach churning, everything! I felt it all!

I tried to recall everything I did before leaving the house to really make sure if I brought money or not when I officially had to land on a confirmation: Joulo, buanga ka! Wala ka nagdala ug kwarta dong! Hala ka sige! Unsaon na nimo run!

I was searching for familiar faces in the jeepney and found a neighbour! Thank God! But the problem was that I didn't really know my neighbour and we don't speak. We don't even look at each other! But I had to go talk (beg) to her before the conductor beats my ass off.

I approached her at the opposite seat leaving my pride and dignity on my former seat and told her, "Hi te. Kuan man gud, uhmm, nbilin nako akong kwarta! Wala jud ko nakadala bisag piso! Pwede pautang ug seven Pesos? Wala jud te! As in!". Smell the desperation yet? Well, let's just say she was a saint and paid my fare for me. I kept on thanking her and hoped she wasn't annoyed or anything.

The thing is, I know her kids and she might tell them! And then her kids will tell other neighbours so you might as well chop me and serve me for dinner now! And I mean now!

As if that wasn't enough yet, I managed to still have a face for my P.E. class when I discovered that my P.E. shirt had this mold stain in it and will never go away because, I don't really know exactly, it's because I do my own laundry and I'm not really good at it. Cheers!

Don't laugh just yet! While performing the intended procedure, the sole of my shoe fell off! You missed that? IT FUCKIN' FELL OFF YOU MOTHERF-----!!!!!

On an even worser note, everyone in school saw me and some were laughing, naturally! Why was this happening to me? Why God, why? Sorry God. But dear readers! Why?

Bad thing that happened contestant number 3:

July 30- Probably the worst thing that happened (you be the judge!). It was a rainy day, my classmates and I were waiting outside our classroom when I saw my lab partner in Chemistry and told him that we should finish our report. I was a little cheery(being myself) so I was running a li'l bit when BAM! I don't even know if BAM is the proper sound of it but I slid through the slippery floor and hit it! The impact was so hard and loud that the teacher in the other room where the doors were closed went out to check on me.

I was embarassed 'coz there were people so I got up and joked a little bit about sliding. People I couldn't recall helped me stand up when I realized that my head was throbbing like a bitch! It was really painful that I couldn't really focus. I just stood with my hands on my knees for support and stared at the floor. People were talking but I couldn't hear them. Everyone was panicking and I stareted too when I heard that I was bleeding.

It wasn't really a big deal for me that I was bleeding but everyone was shoving tissue into my forehead and the teacher insisted that I go to the clinic immedeately. I told the teacher there was no need to but everyone insisted. I even joke a lot because of that humiliating slide.

I was walking on campus and everyone kept looking. When we got to the clinic they had this face like I was hit by a bus or something. I understood those reactions when they said that I needed to be stitched. I echoed their faces. A stitch? NO! I'm deathly afraid of needles!

I kept begging them not to stitch me but they said that it can't happen or I will lose lots of blood and some other illnesses. I texted my sister to come immedeately because she was the only family I had and I needed her.

Kudos to my friend KC for being with me all the way! Thank you!

It's kind of a very long story. I was crying my ass off because I really didn't like pain and needles. I was stiched in the forehead five times and got a bandage (of course, duh?). Everyone was looking, everyone was asking, I wrote about it on Facebook, my family was worried, typical reactions. It was PAINFUL, the slide.

Bad thing that happened contestant number 4:

August 1:

I was absent for the second time in my CWTS class and wouldn't be allowed to absent anymore. I woke up late surfing the internet. My fault!


So? What story do you think wins?

Cheers! To the worst week ever!

The Big Birthday Bash!!! (I'm being sarcastic, of course!)

Last July 27 was my birthday and if you thought I had the time of my life you thought wrong because obviously, I didn't. I'm really quite tired of complaining but it has always been like this since I strated my blog so please, let me.

First of all, the money which I was supposed to spend during my birthday is still being sent here in the Philippines so I just had lunch at Chowking. You got that? Lunch at Chowking? What the--? Who eats lunch at Chowking on their birthday? I mean that's just sad! Pitiful! But I had to get over it eventually and now that I'm writing this it got me started on not getting over it again. I knew I should've blogged about something else!

Anyway, no one really greeted me during my birthday except of course some people I know and my family. It really hurt me when some of my friends didn't even remember when we were just hanging out the week before my birthday! The plus side though is that my friend who I was in a fight with greeted me and was telling me sweet things and something else and of course, my sister greeted me which I didn't really expect because I couldn't care less anyway but she did and that made me feel happy.

My birthdays were boring! I didn't have a birthday where I've said that I wouldn't forget it because each of them was not memorable. In a way, it's kind of my fault really. I kind of have these crazy imaginations that some people might actually throw a surprise party for me which hasn't happened ever because, as I've said before, I'm not really a likeable person therefore I don't have many friends. Heck, I don't even have a bestfriend! You know, someone you can really trust and always have your back. The blame is all on me. Blah! Blah! Blah!

Nothing special has ever happened to me ever and it pisses me off! I hate it! Argh! Damn! Man, come on! Why can't I be like other people? You know, friendly, approachable, neutral. Why do I always have to be the person that everyone notices and thinks is a useless, insensitive he-bitch? I'm not saying I'm popular or anything, so let me explain.

You know those people in your class (for example) that are neutral? You know, those people that are just your friends and you haven't really noticed in the first day and don't really have personalities? Their just people who smile, talk, share their problems and stuff, okay, I give up! I can't explain it. One thing is for sure, I'm not one of them. The first time you see me you're gonna think I'm "neutral" but once you've known a little bit about me you're going to conclude "He's the villain!".

Though I keep telling myself to change and be neutral, it just doesn't happen no matter how hard I try! Okay, not very hard but I'm trying! Still! Thats gotta count, right?

Enough said! So much for a blog about my birthday!

The Sartorialist

Sometimes we go through very tough challenges in life and we always find a way to solve them, to make it through them but sometimes there's just no escaping it, no matter how you deal with it it will never go away, it stays with you forever. That challenge is called CANCER, a virus that will never go away, incurable. Though detected early, it can be dormant but it might come back to haunt you again.

My uncle is suffering with cancer right now and so is his family. His health was fine when we knew about it, everyone from family and relatives panicked and then the help came in. We were there to support him in his chemotherapy and all those things to get rid of cancer. His stomach was getting bigger and bigger by the day and so were the hospital bills. Everything was still okay, the cancer didn't really hit us when recently I visited him in his house and saw him in bed looking like a stick, literally. He was very thin and bald and was just sleeping there in his briefs. I couldn't take seeing him like that so I transfered to another room and took a breather. What was that I saw? I asked myself. Maybe, just maybe, that could be me in the future. I was really hurt and sadennded by his state. Where was my funny and hospitable uncle? I couldn't see him anymore. I remembered those days when he would joke around and when I used to go to his tailoring to get something done.

My cousins, his sons and daughters, told me that sometimes he couldn't recognize anyone anymore. I was crushed. Life is so short and we really have to live it before cancer gets us, before we forget people. I asked them if what next? They answered me that they already accept what is going to happen and life is life, nothing is constant in the world but change, people come and then before you know it, they go. I am preparing myself for what is going to happen to my beloved uncle and I pray to GOD to bless his soul and his family too.

There are no words to describe how we all feel for our sadness about my uncle. Sometimes, you just wish for one thing: to live longer.

Firsts and more to come

Yesterday I got an unexpected beer session with my friends in my house. It was really just a spur of the moment thing as I don't really drink. I'm not a beer session virgin as I've been to many before but haven't really drank. Well, I did drink at least 2 shots of beer or some alchoholic beverage. You can call me uptight but I really don't want to be drunk 'coz I'm afraid what I'm going to say. I'm pretty tactless when I'm not drunk, you know, what more in a drunk state.

Anyway, we were drinking and I wasn't really drunk but my head was spinning! I was sleepy and I laughed for no reason(my friends told me), I was gonna pass out when I suddenly started to feel well. I didn't really expect it because I was expecting to vomit any time soon but instead I was okay. If I were a chemistry wiz I could explain why but alas, I'm not. After the beer drinking session my friends and I went to Divisoria to have dinner and I went back home feeling nothing. It was like nothing happened, like I just downed a jug of water that was flavored.

Also yesterday I experienced my first car hitch. It was fun and I really enjoyed riding in a strangers car. Quite adventurous yesterday was.

Realization on an Empty Street

I went to Divisoria this afternoon to buy a DVD boxset of Skins when I noticed that the city was empty. Well, not really empty in a deserted kind of way but the city was very peaceful and I really liked it and then I realized that people don't go out much on a Sunday do they? I mean, there weren't that many vehicles and I was walking not on the sidewalk but on the road sometimes. I loved that I had the chance to really look at what I'm not seeing when the streets are as crowded as New York(not that I've been to New York) and there they were, the invisible buildings, signs, posters, curbs and everything on the street that you fail notice. Its nice to explore the world but its much nicer to discover new things thats just in your own city. It was fun and very new to me. My eyes were delighted... though they would thank me more if I stopped having eye strains due to typing in the dark.

On my way home I remembered what my friend texted me before I left the house. She was sick and I invited her to watch a movie(Harry Potter and the Half-blood Prince, what else?) when she replied that she was still sick and that she wasted four days at home. I realized that I have been wasting my time too and that I should go and explore new things before I die! I know, its really cheesy but life is too short to just fit in and be cool or aim for high grades! It maybe important to other peole but still, I always wondered what would I feel when I would be 55 years old and haven't got to see Niagra falls yet! The world is so big but my pocket is too small for it! Life is just unfair to poor people isn't it? If you can't go to places then why not do things? Like audition for something, scuba dive or just read a book you're not familiar with!

The important thing is to be happy and live a fulfilled life and to tell stories to your grandchildren. Right? Am I the only one realizing this? Life is an adventure, go explore! Use your imagination! Char!

Fans

Another picture of me surrounded by fans. Kidding!

I talk about myself too much don't I?

Recently, I had this classmate who annoys me to death because that CM(classmate) ignores me and treats me like I'm a person who spat on his shoe on the street whenever I talk to that CM. I couldn't help but whine about that CM to my other CMs.

I told my CM that I know for a fact that I'm not a likeable person and thats fine with me because it always has been that way and I'm used to it when my CM said that I was right: Nobody likes me. I was not entirely shocked about that comment(or fact) but I was a liitle hurt and I couldn't help but ask who they were. My CM didn't really want to mention who but I insisted so my CM told me: Eveyone!

Shocker! In a way, I wasn't surprised because in a way I know it was partly my fault. Everyone says that I'm snobby and don't really look friendly and I don't change that about me. I don't know, in some weird way I kind of like it that I'm like that even though I know in my heart that I should smile a little bit and be approachable.

I was mad of the people who didn't like me even though I'm responsible for not being liked in the first place. How could they not? I'm funny, witty and uhmm... I forgot what people say about me. The point is, even though I'm not really the friendliest face in the campus it's not like I'm not trying or anything.

Anyway, remember the CM I was talking about in the first paragraph? Well, that CM and I, with other CMs, had lunch together and surprisingly, with my best efforts, my CM actually talked to me like a real person. Though I wasn't counting on it in any way.

Later that day we were going somewhere to return a thing and that CM who ignored me went with me and other CMs. After returning what I borrowed I ws yapping away in the jeepney about something and I overshared to my CMs that I remembered what my other CM from highschool told me: I overshare too much and that I'm really open.

I realized that I have done the oversharing thing again which I promised my self not to do anymore a few years ago. Damn! It's so hard to change yourself isn't it? Now, I'm fearing that my CMs might share the information I stupidly let out of my mouth to other people. What I said wasn't really a big deal but it was personal, sort of. Is it possible to make my mouth shut for just once?

My CMs and I aren't really that close much but I think I trust them. Here we go again. That's my problem, I trust people too much too easily even though I hardly know them. I think its a good thing but sometimes it leaves me in a bad position. Should I completely change some things about myself for my own sake? Or am I just doing these stuff for approval or acceptance? I don't know the answer to these questions which make it even harder for me to figure it out. The worst thing is that nobody is helping me about it. Everytime I share a problem or personal stuff nobody seems to care. Not even my 'close' friends.

I let it out on my blog sometimes because if I don't I might explode and the world may end. Corny, I know.

I'd love some comments. Please.

Narcissism, much?

I just thought of posting a picture of myself.

Carried Away

Last year, the buzz surrounding Sex and the City The Movie was making me curious big time. Everyone was talking about it and the hype made me restless to watch it as well. I haven't really watched Sex and the City but I heard of it from one time. When the DVD was released, I rushed to the store and bought one for myself.

The movie was really girly and pro-feminine and all that and I wondered why I watched this movie. A guy watching SATC is rather odd but I loved the fashion and the setting. The story, I didn't really get it so much till I analyzed hard. I mean, four women in New York talking about men and stuff was a new change and interest for me. Wow! The world is so big after all! I didn't expect that sex was such a normal topic to these women when in the Philippines, talking about it is kind of like a taboo or something.

It became one of my favorite movies. It was smart and intellectual and fabulous. And I love Carrie Bradshaw! She's a writer in New York which is what I have always wanted to become. I want to write articles for newspapers and magazines and have a beautiful life and all that and plenty of money! And live in New York!

Fast forward to July of 2009...

I didn't really want to watch SATC the series as it was too girly and all but I was just really curious so I bought the first three seasons. I can't say that I'm hooked because the story really isn't my thing but I liked it. I'm obsessed with Carrie's working status. Imagine writing a column and that's just that! You party all night and get to do the job you love most!

It's a little tiring to watch these women talk about sex and boys though, but you learn a lot from a womans perspective or from the show itself. It's also fun to watch what they wear and how they pull it off. Not that I intend on wearing their wardrobe or anything! Plus, the New York scene is to die for! I've always wanted to go there ever since.

Carrie is also always typing in her laptop which is what we have in common. She loves to write and so do I! The difference is that she has something to write about and I do not! I mean, I aways have to think about what to write everytime I open my Blogger account!

The truth is I'm not really a good writer, I barely use difficult words and I sound like a dumb blonde(according to my estranged sister). I just want to make people laugh and relate to me. So?

Like Carrie, life may be complicated but it's important to have fun and enjoy the moment. That's something I want to emulate.

House Arrest

Very, very bad news: Swine flu has hit Cagayan de Oro!

Good news: Classes are cancelled till July 27!

Because of this Swine flu coming over here to slowly take over the world, everyone was in lithium! Not everyone was happy though, some were whining about not getting an allowance for almost a week and a half! Crazy!

My friends and I were strolling around Divisoria to look for a place where we could have a drink when they took me to a place that was disgusting and embarassing to be seen at! (Note the exclamation point)

They were bugging me for weeks to go hang out in my house but I wouldn't let them because I really don't like strangers in my house but because of that place they took me to I decided to give in and offered my place. I warned them of course. My place is a shit shack! It's so messy it looked like the place was abandoned or something, but they insisted.


Would you just look at my trash? Don't be deceived! All of those garbage are take-outs! I'm depending on fast food now. Sad.

Anyway, as we arrived the house they were not completely disgusted about its messiness but instead, they helped me clean out a little bit. God bless those kids! We were just watching Angels and Demons when I accidentally slept in my room. I woke up in like 9am or something and completely panicked! I had visitors last night!

I opened my door and found them on the "sala", sleeping. This was the first time any of my friends slept in my house because I would never invite one or offered so this was a very cool change for me. Not that they're gonna do it more often 'coz I totally would not tolerate that!

We spent the afternoon together watching videos in youtube.com in which I absolutely can't stop singing Nobody by Wondergirls as they showed me the video!
After they left I watched... it's embarassing! But it wasn't porn! Really!

Case on point? Nothing really. I just wanted to share.

My head is not set for an education (Boo Hoo!)

Why am I surfing the internet when I'm supposed to be studying for the premiminary exams tomorrow? Answer: Maybe I don't care. Well, I do care but there's this little voice inside my head that I don't! But I can barely hear that little voice so I'm listening to the louder one "Don't Study!".

I know, I'm acting stupid and irresponsible but I really hate studying and even though I don't understand or recall any of my lessons I'm still hoping to pass with my gut instincts! I mean, how many of you really study? Okaay! A lot of you dear readers do but I don't!

Little Voice: Joule, pag-study na, please!

Uhmm... am I gonna study or not? Maybe browse through the pages? No? How about copying? No! Not an option, or maybe it is! I don't know!

I realized something just recently, I'm not a smart cookie. Some people think I am but the truth is, is that I'm no good at lessons or school related stuff. In fact, I really don't know what I'm good at! Not even at Facebook! This so major catastrophe! What would become of me in my future? Salesman for the grocery store? Cashier? Waiter? Carwash boy? No offense to people who have those jobs but I don't want to end up like them! I wanna wear a suit for my job, thank you!

Light bulb on my head just sparked a light! Idea! Does that mean study? I hope not!

Anyway, looks like I don't have a choice, study it is!

Happy?

I'm A Leader. Well, Sort of Anyway.

Last week, I was elected as first year representative for my course BS-Developmental Communication, I didn't really know what I was gonna be doing with my position but I ran anyway.

Actually, I didn't really run for the position, I was nominated by friends of mine who, unfortunately, are becoming a leech! More on that later. Anyway, I won (obviously) and I gave this conceited speech about my victory and the crowd went wild (naturally).

My first task was to collect names, numbers, birthdates and e-mail addresses from all first year students in the same course as mine. It turned out to be pretty easy and I also gave an announcement to the whole class which is a pretty big deal for me because I love attention (sometimes).

The second task is a little bit harder though. Organize/create a presentation for the General Assembly which will be held at Manresa this coming Saturday.

My co-representative and I were thinking of millions of stuff on what to present and ended up with a play which she made that I haven't read yet. It's supposed to be a comedy or something. Which is supposed to be funny and make people laugh. I'm not really sure it's gonna make people crack up because not everybody gets english jokes. I mean, they do get it but it's just not as funny as a vernarcular one.

Apparently a band pitched for me to let them play during the General Assembly which I agreed to but I still have to ask permission to the Commitee if they would allow a band. I hope so! Those kids really want to play! I don't want to be their instrument of dissapointment because I already am to all sorts of things.

Now, I'm gonna go crazy thinking about who I'm gonna pick to be in a pageant for the department. Someone tall, good looking and smart. And oh, confident. Me? Just kidding!

I'm gonna attend my first meeting with the committee tomorrow. I hope I break a leg (metaphorically!).

Guess What

Something has been bothering me all day because it just wont get out of my head no matter how I try to distract myself from thinking it! It's starting to take over me! I'm exaggerating a little bit of course but it just won't go!

97ab+3 2/4(12x/32a4bc) equals...

Numbers! I hate numbers! Numbers here, numbers there, numbers everywhere! Why do people have to deal with numbers everyday? I guess you can give me millions of answers to that if you're being an asshole but seriously! Numbers! Who doesn't hate them? Well, a lot of people don't! But I hate them! Just the sound of them makes me cringe!

Wanna know what I hate the most? Math! Math! Freakin' Math! Integers, fractions, exponents and all those shiz! I really hate it to the extremes! Those pesky mathematical problems! Why can't they just leave me alone? I don't need math in my life!

Or maybe I do! But still! Does the store cashier ask me the value of x? Can you really use squared and cubed in real life? Monomials in buying a soda? Fractions in spas? No! No! No! You just can't! So why do we have to study about it? The torture! The suffering! The agony!

Those smart people of the past! I mean, come on! Why didn't you just keep your equations to yourselves? That's not so hard to do! Look what you've put me through? The people who flunk school because of math! I hope you're very happy!

P.S. I have a Math exam tomorrow.

His Weird Nose I Will Miss

Somebody I idolize so much has passed away. I am completely shocked and deeply saddened when a friend of mine sent me a text message that the person who is one of the many people that inspire me is no longer with us.

It hurts to talk about people we love when they pass away but we have to move on in order to move forward (redundant much?) in our lives. You know what they say, the people that are important and special to us, when they leave the world, they only leave physically but they will always stay in our hearts forever and continue to inspire us that life is short and we musn't take it for granted and instead live it to the fullest.

It's really heartbreaking that he died at such an early age of 50. Some people aren't even married at that age nowadays. Okay, maybe they got divorced or something. Shit happens.

My message to one of my many inspirations is this:

I am going to miss you so much. You have inspired me in many ways and many people too. We are all grieving your untimely death as we expected to see more of you in the upcoming months. Know that you will always be in our hearts and nothing can take you away from there. Not even amnesia or some weird illness can erase you. Again, I miss you. We miss you. I'm sure you're missing us too. But don't visit okay?

I love you forever, we love you forever Michael Jackson.

Sus! Abi ninyo ug kinsa noh? Pero seriously I'm gonna miss him jud! As in!

CU at XU

Have you ever had that feeling when you miss something or someone that you just can't take thinking about what they look like or going to the places you've been to? Well, I had a blast from the past when I accompanied my friend to Xavier University Highschool (it feels weird not typing those words for a very long time!).

My friend was delivering something there when she invited me and I got nervous for a second. It was like hell froze over or something. I know it's kind of exaggerating but it was what I felt the moment my friend texted "going to xuhs, wanna come"?

As we were nearly approaching the school I was getting cold feet (literaly). I mean, I wanted to visit XUHS for a very long time but I just couldn't because if I would I'm gonna be very hurt and sad. There's so much memories left there.

I mustered my strenghth and as I stepped in there were major improvements! Everything was a lot nicer now than before. Though I was a little dissapointed that the school got rid of the open shed for stone benches and a table. My friend and I immediately exchanged our stories from the past and it was really fun to reminisce memories. I mean, now that I have visited the school again I think I'm gonna be able to go back without feeling so hurt or sad anymore.

I didn't really enjoy my highschool life as I spent way too much time away from it. I feel like I have missed half of my life! If only I could turn back time! But then, our choices makes us who we are, right? If I went back and changed everything I would have no idea what my life would be now. I'm not saying that my life is a cherry on top of a mouth watering sundae but still, you know, I wouldn't have met amazing people I have in my life right now. Char lang!

Cool people over here. Weirdos on the other side. That means you, Joulo!

I know you're probably sick and tired of reading about my rants about being a friendless loser and stuff but you've gotta hear me out! I just can't take away the frustration that I feel everyday especially after the series of unfortunate events that happened this day.

Thursday; June 25, 2009

9:00 AM: I thought my class would start at 8:30 am so I arrived at school as early as 7:40 am. There was this large queue going on outside our classroom as the doors weren't open yet. I was talking to some people but not really having a conversation. I was all alone while everybody was laughing and enjoying themselves. Its like they're doing it on purpose or something!

11:00 AM: There was literally nobody replying any of my messages as soon as my class got dismissed. I was like, frustrated! Damn! Who am I going to lunch with? So my friend keeps telling me to join other groups but I'm hesitant because they don't even smile at me.

Finally, my friend replied that she'd love to go to lunch with me but she was with a friend so apparently I had to deal with it. And I did. But before we could meet I had to wait at the canteen for her because she was in her class still. So I waited.

I have this classmate who is also my friend (but we're not close) who passed by me and he asked if I had seen his friends who are also my classmates. I said I haven't and offered him a seat. He refused. Rejection to the highest level! He said he was gonna look for them.

My other classmates passed by me and they all looked at me weirdly. They had this face that said "Is he alone? Again? What's new?". I was so embarassed! Argh!

My friend who was looking for his friends came back and told me that he didn't see them anywhere so he sat in the table with me. Another major rejection! Why? I mean, what am I? A last resort? I felt so hurt. I accompanied him to the counselling office anyway.

11:40 AM: I was already eating my lunch at McDonalds Ororama. I was really friendly toward my friends friend who had a gorgoeus Burberry bag sitting pretty in her lap. She was a rich girl who had to leave after we ate because she had a laser appointment for her underarms.

She was friendly towards me but there was something really "off" with her. I just felt that if we were friends we wouldn't like each other the next week after we met.

My friend and I headed back to school and while we were there we were talking and stuff and met other friends.

1:25 PM: Classes for RS15 resume. One of my fave subject but is very boring to death!

Fast forward to 4:00 PM: Classes were cut off for the Red Mass which I didn't attend because I didn't have anyone to go with. Remember my friend who was looking for someone whom I accompanied to the counsellors office (what a mouthful)? Well, I asked him if he was attending the mass and he said he won't. Fine.

I saw my friend whom I had lunch with and begged her to chaperonne me and she said she could but only after 4:50 pm because she had a friend who was waiting for her. I wasn't mad or anything but I didn't realize I had a time limit. How painful.

I saw my friend again, you know, the one who was looking for someone whom I accompanied to the counsellors office, he was with other guys and I asked him again if he was going and he said yes. Uhmm.. didn't he just say no? He changed his mind? Maybe. He blew me off because he had other plans? Probably. But if he did why would he lie? Or maybe he just changed his mind? I don't know. It's hard to know!

My friend whom I had lunch with met up with her other friends and I couldn't help but feel left out! Rejected and hurt! And then I remembered something she told me while we were talking last time. She had this guy she was talking with on the phone who told her she saw her with a guy.

She replied "Ah, si Joulo?"

Then he said "Ah, kato laging sige ug uban-uban sa inyo ni Natasha?"

Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!

Is that what I am? I'm just a "katong sige ug uban-uban"? He could've said "Ah, katong friend nimo nga sige gani mo ug uban"? I felt so hurt. All this time I'm just a hanger-on to my friends. Or at least thats what their friends think of me.

Can I just be Joulo the Friend? Why is it that when people talk about me they refer me to someone else or something else? I feel like I just can't be my own person anymore! Worse is that I can't be my own person and I don't have any friends! So what's left of me? A physical body and a life of what people make for me? Damn!

I can't even describe how I feel truly hurt. Why can't people just accept my flaws? Or deal with it? Why cant my friend whom I had lunch with, a person I had known for a long time still subconciously(or conciously) reject me and make feel like a small person whenever I'm with her?

I'm a person with a few friends. Not everybody likes me, the majority. Why cant my few friends make me feel assured, secured and happy? I don't know if I'm the problem or I just can't deal with the problems around me.

Friendless loser? Me. Nerd? Me. Geek and freaky? Me.

I'm not even exaggerating. I feel hurt, sad and lost. When will it be my time to be me and shine like the others? Or will there ever be?

I'm not asking for sympathy, just your understanding. Or not. Just keep reading my blog, that would be fine.

I Love Me Some Dakota

I was over at a friends house last Thursday when she showed me her copy of a Vogue back issue. Of course, I got excited to flip the pages because it was Vogue magazine and I love Vogue! Who doesn't?

As I was turning the pages I saw the Marc by Marc Jacobs ad starring Dakota Fanning. I've heard of the ad before but haven't really had the chance to look it up as there was nothing intriguing about a celebrity in a fashion ad. But when I saw it I was completely blown away by how avant garde it was. I mean it was really pedophile-ish. A young Dakota for the fashion world.

I know it doesn't look striking or anything but it's innocent Dakota for a fashion house. Get it?

Joulo's Defense: Friendless Edition

I am such a friendless loser. I mean, I have a lot of friends but they don't really have a long shelf life. I'm not a meanie (oh really) or something (what something?). I just don't really know how to treat people well (spot on!) or maybe I don't treat my self well (shrink?). I don't know (oh sure you do!).

I don't even have a bestfriend for starters. Who on earth doesn't have a bestfriend (uhmm.. Joulo, that's you)?

A fortnight ago I was attending the ORSEM (for dummies or just plain ignorants: Orientation Seminar) for my school. I didn't have one person approach me! Well, except for this random girl that reminded me of my past classmate: ugly, skinny, cheapster, etc. No offense to her! I mean it's not her fault she was born (or bred?) like that (no wonder you don't have friends).

Why am I always the one doing the approaching? Doing the awkward and scary act of making friends? Why? I have a thick face (you do)? I do? No I haven't (denial!)! Okay, so maybe I do (thank you Jesus!), is that bad (no!)? O' course not (hell to the yeah!)! That's actually a good thing. Whenever I make friends it's like it's always the wrong person! Like not my type. You know (no)? That kind of person you just made friends with for the hell of it (how mean!)?

I know what you're gonna say, "How do you know that the person that approached you would be your type of friend?" (alam mo naman pala, eh). But the point is that I'm the one always making the first move? It's just so frustrating! What's wrong? I look approachable (so you said)! I look like someone who won't reject or judge a person (how 'bout a look in the mirror pal).

This day I was at Manresa Farm for the Aggies Freshmen Day and still friendless. Well, except for Dave (my first move, not really my type of friend (no offense Dave)) and Alex (neighbour. So you figure it out). I ate alone at Greenwich in a big table. The meal of shame (more like meal of karma!). It wasn't totally embarassing but some of my batch mates saw me alone! What a loser (couldn't agree with you more)! What? (sorry)

I need advice. Or your pity. Or whatever. Befriend me (acts of desperation). I'm not desperate. (okaaay)

P.S. I'm sorry about my alter ego! Whatever I write he comments!

(P.S. I'm sorry about Joulo. You know how he is.)